So, I'm not sure how to start this, but I'm going to take my blog to a bit of a darker place today. There were some things I noticed online today that got the old ball rolling. I have been married for 4 years and obviously have no kids yet. We have been through many struggles with fertility medications, doctor's appointments and constant questions that have yet to be answered. I have been diagnosed with polycystic ovaries...they think.
No one will tell me which direction to go, what I should do, who to see...I just keep spending my money! Medications are incredibly expensive and after no luck with a fertility specialist I am now seeing an endocrinologist with hope in healing myself rather than just trying to get pregnant. I have put my body through so much hell and I am getting fatter by the day and have no idea why. (I'm hoping it's just some of the meds I can hopefully get off of soon, so there's no need in announcing it in public please. I do own mirrors!) I deal with every side affect the medications have and I always feel awful.
I know it gets the darkest before the dawn. And when you have problems with your body that you have to deal with everyday; the problem consumes you. And there were a few years that it seemed like I totally missed out on life. I feel that I am stronger with what I, T.A., and our marriage has made it through. I certainly thank my mother for being such a major support for me. She has also had many problems, so she knows mostly what I was going through.
There were so many people out there willing to give their advice, feeling like an outcast when surrounded with everyone else with babies, stories of women using drugs while pregnant, or those that have 20 kids and don't pay any attention to any of them, and not feeling myself anyway because of meds. It was so easy to be angry at the whole situation. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide for so long. But I realized that being so overwhelmed and determined with bringing a new life to this world, I was taking my own. So everyday, I have gotten this new found appreciation for what I have going on around me. It's nice to get out of your head for a while and take in the little miracles of everyday living (and have fun at finding my talents and trying new things). I seem to have found a respect for the life around me and to appreciate everything God has given me.
For a couple years, I was ashamed to admit that I was beginning to lose my faith. I just never understood why a baby couldn't be a part of our family when I feel that we have made the happiest of homes and my husband and I are perfect for each other. I felt a baby would complete our family. We have so much love to give. I love being a wife and my home life has turned to be an absolute dream. But I have always had God in my heart and I knew deep down that was never going to leave.
The day things really turned around for me is when I talked to two very special women. They both were dealing with problems with themselves and problems around them. (One woman had kids and the other didn't) They were also dealing the cards God dealt them and was I. I realize things could always be worse. Even if I were to have kids, there are always problems we all have to deal with everyday. I am hoping some day soon, that I can finally accept my fate and put an end to all of my madness and get back to my old self. But for now, I feel I have grown into a supporter or an advocate of life. Yeah, that's what I'll call it....."A Life Advocate"
